The Pigeon holes of Mumbai

The Above picture is that of a wooden unit called a pigeon hole. It is used for keeping pigeon's in it......now observe it carefully.........once you are done look at the image below.



This image is a photo of hiranandani powai...........similar ain't it?


People keep complaining about the pigeon infestation that we have in mumbai...there are pigeon's everywhere. Well for once i will not blame those poor bastards. Poor things are confused !!........imagine for a moment that you walked into a random house which looked exactly the same as your own.....wouldn't you have been confused?

The point is each and every house in mumbai...which is built in the last 10 years in mumbai.....looks like one of these......there is nothing called a balcony or open space at all.....only A/C vents........why?.........
there is a building in front of my house which is identical to mine. when people stand in the windows of those buildings......they look like inmates of kalapani......actually not normal inmates......solitary confinement. Ok i do understand that there is a shortage of space in mumbai....but its on the ground and not in the air.....now i know readers will come out with a lot of problems with my theories..........patience!!!
Whatever happened to a leisurely coffee on a comfort chair in your balcony......sadly those days are gone.
Alright so let's address your objections shall we....
1. Your theory about space in the air is bullshit! There are FSI norms to follow.
A. Well remember one thing? i'm not particularly happy with the rules!! they have to be changed. Also there is a solution. why cant we provide common balconies on each floor with separate cutouts? Some builders have tried it and its beautiful.
2. it's already too expensive to buy a flat in mumbai, who wants to pay for open spaces?
A. Here is where the common balcony theory comes in. The builders can provide this at a very nominal cost....maybe cost of construction?.....
3. i don't need open-spaces .....i'm happy the way it is....
A. well then.......you r a pigeon!

Why i bring this topic up is because its appalling. People will keep arguing to eternity about how it's not practical or they don't need it.......but the truth is that mumbai has lost that tradition alltogether..... also that mumbai people are so full of themselves that they feel this is the way to live. Some people that will read this article will be born and bought up in mumbai.....so they wouldn't know the difference.........they are the ignorant sorts.....
Pune is touted to be the next major metro.......and very soon pune and mumbai will be twin cities.....so what's the difference?................the difference is that even today when a new building is built in pune there have to be balconies in every flat....it's an absolute necessity.....otherwise the flats will not sell !!!!

All that i'm suggesting is that in this environment where everything that we do is bound in rules thicker the the thickest chains......isn't it necessary that we have some open space in the comfort of our house which can give us some sense of freedom........and see the world and all that we are fighting for without the grill's?


I'll leave you with this commercial for Tata safari.......ignore the fact that they are trying to sell you a bad car.....Imagine im selling you a balcony at the end of the ad......say sarkar's balcony!!

Next Update

Hi Guys,
This post is just to inform you that my next post will take some time to come......not because i'm short of material, but because i'm not used to typing so much online........and i've done a fair bit of it of late. So for those of you who are interested in waiting.....well good for you......other's, well you already know what i'm gonna say ....don't you..:)

Paradigm shift

Ya ya I know….the title of this article makes me sound like some pompous, self-obsessed management graduate who thinks he’s god’s gift to mankind. Well frankly the above description suits me perfectly!!!!......the only difference is that I’m not a management grad!!
Ok so since I’m not a management grad……why the title???.............well that’s because some of my recent observations have led to a paradigm shift in my thinking towards purchase of new vehicles in India. While going through this article I’m sure a lot of you will have a sense of deja-vu…..if yes …..Good…..if not I implore you to give it a thought. Alright then let’s proceed.
The other day I had gone with my mother to chembur to get the delivery of my mom’s new car from wasan motors. Well since it was a brand new car we decided to take it to siddhivanayak temple(a temple dedicated to the hindu deity, lord ganesha), which is located in prabhadevi. If I remember right it was a working day. Why I mention that is because the roads were awfully crowded. There were cars and traffic of all sorts everywhere for as far as the human eye could see. Since it was a brand new car it was but natural that I had to occupy the passenger seat and not the driver’s. As I already mentioned there was loads of traffic so I had a lot of time to observe and learn which my usual pastime in such situations is. I was checking out all the gizmos and goodies in mom’s new car when I happened to look at my mom’s face…….well she looked like the same person I called mom for 21 years of my life except for one difference….she had a god awful expression on her face……the expression was a mixture of anger, fright, frustration and pride. And the one feeling that was the most prominent was that of fright. Let me elaborate…………..fright, not the one which you see on the faces of protagonists of silly horror shows………….this one was pure and unadulterated…….she was scared that some asshole might scratch her brand new car. Tell me what’s the use of paying your hard earned money to buy a brand new car and not being able to fully enjoy it for one moment without having your heart in your mouth?
Purely from the POV of observation and deduction I started noticing the other cars on Indian roads. Over a period of time I made a startling discovery. Here are my findings.
8 out of ten cars on the road are either scratched or dented
1 out of every ten cars is probably very new, so it is driven very carefully (read at the speed of 40kmph in the middle of the middle lane…..which is plain idiotic if I may add!!)
1 out of every ten car is “premium”, Is maintained by the employer of the owner, and that’s the only reason its scratch less.
If any car in better than a reva were to be driven everyday only in Mumbai for 1 year, the car would almost never be put into top gear!!!

While you may argue with the precision of the above findings, they would still remain largely true.
So now the Mumbai lovers in you will shoot back and say…….we know all this so?......it’s very easy to point out mistakes but do you have a remedy?
Well thankfully I’m not Rajat Kapoor of India TV fame…..and I do have a suggestion. Let’s list the reasons for this congestion on the roads:
a. Too many people!!
b. Too many brainless kamikazes (read drivers)
c. Not enough infrastructure
d. These kamikazes have too much money….so they have 5 cars in a family of 3!
Alright so we can’t do anything in the first three issues…….but what do we have here!!! …..i do have a solution for the fourth one, and therein lies the paradigm shift……hurray!!!
Ok so let’s say you have a lot of money lying around …..so what do you do…….well of course you go and buy a new car….awesome!!.......my suggestion is ……….don’t!!.....see in any case your stupid arse is going to be bored of sitting in that car within a year …….so why can’t you buy a used car goddamit!!........use it for a year and dispose of it…….

Problems and solutions to this theory.

Problem 1: If no one buy’s new cars the industry will crumble
Solution: You dork!!.....if you plan to use the car for a good period ….say 5 years then buy a new one….or else don’t!
Also don’t buy cars older than 15 years, eventually the will get disposed of buy the govt.(hopefully)

Problem 2: I won’t get the car I want in the second hand market
Solution: Wake up and smell the coffee!! Within 15 days of coming to showrooms there are second hand cars of the same model available in the market. Also if you have to buy a older model so what . I for one wouldn’t mind a 2007 3 series to a 2009 3 series.

Problem 3: Second Hand cars have maintenance issues
Solution: Which planet are you living on….idiotica??........these problems come up in accident vehicles or used to come up in cars made during your Pappas time ….not anymore.
Problems 4: I like the smell of a new car
Solution: Smell my fart…….it smells better!!

So what will happen if you guys actually follow what im saying?
For starters it’ll get me a noble prize. Secondly I’ll get shot in my head by some hitman contracted by the car companies. More importantly it will reduce congestion on our roads…..eventually. infrastructure is improving but it needs time……the problem is that the amount of cars are going northwards so fast that infrastructure ain’t able to keep up. Come on guys give the govt. a chance!!......Look at it this way…..wouldn’t you prefer driving a corolla without traffic on the road to a accord in the 2nd gear…..it’ll save planet earth, save fuel…..reduce pollution………….god the advantages are endless……….
Man now I feel like a greenpeace dork…….

I have decided i will never buy a new car unless i plan to use it for atleast ten years. It will save me money and the frustration of having a brand new car scratched.
That will also help in reducing my hospital bills(hypertension u see....). See........so much money saved!!
THINK ABOUT IT.

The Life Line Of Mumbai

If you haven't already guessed.....i'm referring to the Local Trains of Mumbai....and also the people travelling in it. Although i must admit that the following article is a whiney one...it's whiney in a positive way as in it talks about how this so called life line of Mumbai and it's people have had a positive effect on me.
You see i am a very weird person.......i hate travelling in public transport.....especially long distance public transport. All my life i have been fortunate or unfortunate enough to have been living close to my daily destination....so i never really had to travel internally too much. So one day when i realized, i had to travel from a village to the other end of town in a local especially the famous crowded locals of Mumbai...i literary shat bricks.......i hated it. But eventually i realized that that was the only logical thing to do.....I was lucky to have been placed in a good company.....and besides the only other way to travel that far was by road which takes approximately 3 hours one way if you are lucky.........3 Hours!!!.....thats enough time for me to travel to pune and finish taking a comfortable dump!!!

So after a lot of logicising, I realized, I don't have a damn option.
I started going to office in the 8:38 slow local leaving from thane since i got a place to sit.......... I was shocked......!!!.....I'm sure you guys must have seen an anthill....and the bloody idiots that we are when we are young.....i'm sure we must have tried breaking it and seeing what happens!!. Then what do you see........millions of ants crawling over each other......well a word of advice for future generations of pesky and nosey kids.......you don't need to run the risk of been bitten......just look at the Mumbai locals during Rush hours.....its precisely the same abiet you have Life size ants!!

The first day that i went to office and back i felt i had been raped!!!
In a Mumbai local at these times.....you are not supposed to have anything called self respect......there will be people's arses or worse their manhood sticking you right in your face .....and you can't do cock about it.

As one of my friends put it, "jab local mein jaate ho, tab L**d Fakir banke Jao"
fucking pearls of wisdom!!!


Ok now on to the good part, as usual i whined for the first couple of days as is my habit....but then i realized that there are people doing this for years together without complaining at all, besides i didn't have anything to complain about.....i always have a place to sit since mine is the starting station....i mean imagine the poor bastard who lives in bhandup and gets of at parel !!!.
When i look at these teeming millions of people going about their daily schedule with clockwork precision without complaining about the crowds or the trains or the smells.....i feel alive....it gives me a strange sense of vibrance and adrenaline.....which is funny cause i never expected it.....
This situation is pretty sad actually.........Let me explain......People talk about the spirit of Mumbai time and again citing the example of how the people started travelling by local just one day after the bomb blasts......well that's not the spirit of Mumbai......It's the desperation of life in Mumbai.....they don't have an option....
In a city where money is everything and you can't miss a single day of office/school/college/business in the fear of losing out in the rat race......fear for life has absolutely no place.
That said the life line of Mumbai is pretty amazing for all it's faults it represents one thing to me.......It truly represents the diversity and the undying will of people to win the rat race.....no matter what......

Clean Up !!

Alright, So what the fuck is Clean-up !!
This is what their home page says:
"Welcome Mumbaikars! At first, we congratulate you for taking effort to know about this initiative that is envisioned to reduce significantly the incidence of public nuisances like spitting and littering in Mumbai. As an alert citizen, reading this website would be the first step for participating in the campaign. This website has been created with the purpose of equipping responsible and committed citizens with helpful information.
We are all aware of the serious problem Mumbai faces in terms of public hygiene. Every public space is splattered with paan stains and litter on the streets besides the odd pile of debris and garbage. The financial and commercial capital of the country, with a population of nearly 15 million people, Mumbai produces nearly 6500 Tons of garbage per day. It also produces nearly 2500 Tons of construction and demolition (C&D) waste per day. Dealing with effective management of such a huge amount of waste is a matter of concern for the Corporation. Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai (MCGM) allots 10% of its annual budget for Solid Waste Management.

The “Greater Mumbai Cleanliness and Sanitation Byelaws 2006” form the basis for the current campaign. The Byelaws have a provision to fine citizens who engage in spitting, littering and other nuisances in public spaces. Since there is a shortage of Nuisance Detectors MCGM has taken up an innovative step to authorize enlisted security agencies to fine the citizens. These security agencies will deploy Marshals in the various wards who will fine the offenders. The MCGM will not pay anything to the security agencies for their services and in turn has agreed to share 50 percent of the fine collected. The Clean-Up Marshals will patrol all the 24 wards of the city and enforce the cleanliness bye laws.At the same time, by February 2008, 20,000 more dustbins of a better design will be installed in the city. Thus, the campaign encompasses:

provision of additional facilities for cleanliness
education and awareness generation
enforcement of bye-laws by fining offenders with the help of Clean-up Marshals
Thus, in the process it envisions to achieve the larger goal of making Mumbai clean, beautiful and a world class city. At the same time, the campaign also expects significant amount of active participation and cooperation from the citizens and civil society groups by participating in awareness campaigns and the third party audit of the campaign at ward level.

LET’S TREAT MUMBAI CITY AS OUR HOME !!!"

"BULL FUCKING SHIT" -- Thats what i say



Like i have already mentioned in my first post i travel to nariman point everyday. So naturally i take a train to CST and then a cab(which is another thing i want to write about...). So on one such day i walked out of C.S.T and i was keeping the Go Mumbai card which i carry in my wallet. During this time something fell out of my wallet which i didn't realize....it happened to be a scrap of paper......Promptly a Motherfucking Clean-up Marshal came up to me and demanded a fine of Rs.200 for littering the streets. Simultaneously another guy who threw his cigarette butt was caught. i happend to ask this Marshal that suppose i had thrown that scrap of paper on purpose which i did not.....to show me a dustbin where i can throw it. As is to be expected there was a prompt retort....."vo udhar saamne hai na"(1 km away...and overflowing).....then i asked him where is the no smoking sign.................there were none......no boards at all!!!.....then he proudly showed me a fucking board of 6"in x 6"in....saying ....do not litter or spit......surprisingly though....it was red in color(if you know what i mean). Oh and the placement was just amazing. it was on the outer side of the walkway where the traffic can see it but pedestrains can't because they are not allowed to walk on that side!!! Gr8!!!....So the only living thing that can see it is probably a druken monkey who is crossing the road and breaking the law by not using the subway.......so you break one law to know about another.


What im trying to say is that if you bloody motherfukkers wan't us to keep our city clean which we also want to....then atleast provide dustbins and then fine people who are littering around it....The government just want to impose rules and fines.....and the others want to do their work.....who suffers........me and you.....Brilliant......
I had been to germany recently....they have massive fines for littering.....but you know the difference??.........they use those fines for more dustbins......not for some bastard of a neta wanting to buy a cheap ass pajero......clean-up my ass!!!
Also how they can easily understand whether somebody has littered is simply because the streets are so bloody clean that a person can sit and eat his/her food there. So the govt does its job and then expects the people to do so.

So here's my step by step recommendation for you motherfukkers(Whoever calls the shots)....
1. Get A Life
2. Provide fucking Dustbins at appropriate locations....i don't expect dustbins on the expressway after every 200 m.....but atleast in places that have so much pedestrian density.
3. Get a Life
4. Stop spitting out of you savvy cars(provided by the GOVT......You see they have Maharastra Shasan written all over them)
5. Get A life
6. Impose fines for Ignorant Motherfukkers who want to spit/litter on the road even when there is a dustbin withing walking distance
7. Get A Life
8. Go Fuck Yourselves

Id like to conclude this post by telling you guys about an instance......there was a time not long ago....i was travelling to pune by car....i picked up a burger just before hitting the expressway.....i disposed the trash in a trash can when i reached pune.........who got fined 200?..............me!!!.....not the bastards who rate of spitting is more than an AK-56...............oh and by the way.....that paper that flew out of my wallet......is still lying on the ground outside CST.........Man There are doing a good job cleaning Mumbai.....Bravo..Bravo you motherf.......ah forget it....

A word On The Title

For those of you who are daft enough not to understand what i mean, read the description..............no?...............well then read my previous post...............no?...........ok you are obviously a special case....lemme explain......"no offence meant" is said when a person wants to say something which might be offensive to the opposite person, but that's not the motive of the speaker....so he starts by saying...."No offence meant, but......"......but here i mean all the goddamn offence in the world so if anyone is offended.....well......i don't give a rats....uh sorry.....skunk's ass!!.....Is it clear now?....no?.....well then FUCK OFF!!

You Are Not Welcome

You Are Not Welcome.
Alright then, straight up this ain't a blog where I talk about what’s happening in the world. U see, i live a a village called Thane, Every day i travel from here to Nariman Point by train, Naturally this gives me a lot of time to think and observe because there is nothing else you can do when people are standing close enough so that you may smell their farts....if you want to.
Since I have no wish to do the aforementioned I think and observe what’s happening around me. Sometimes I’m a mere spectator and sometimes I’m at the center of it. Do not expect me to give solutions. I may be called a whiner but I still want to write my thoughts. So then let me start of………oh yeah I almost forgot …..if you don’t like what I’m writing, you are welcome to Fuck Off!!
Oh and one more thing......i Do not take kindly to criticism.....so i dont want people to tell me.....oh!!, there is a typo on page 3, para 4, line 10, etc. because seriously......i don't care as long as you understand whats written.