Announcement !!

Hey Guys,

Every now and then i will keep posting random interesting things that i find on the web, The posts will show up,so don't be alarmed if you get lots of updates,I ain't spamming you. Trust me....they'll be worth your time...

Confessions Of A Shopaholic

Note: This article is a mishmash of a couple of different ideas observations. The reader is requested to read through the entire article to understand how they all co-incide.


Part 1: The Taxi-Wallah

It’s raining heavily, he can’t see 10ft ahead of him, one of his hands is on the steering wheel the other one outside manually operating the windscreen wiper, he’s constantly getting abused by the other drivers on the road and at the end of the 45min journey which should have taken 10min he gets paid rs.40. Welcome to the life of Mr. Amol Upadhay.
Mr. A is a taxi driver by profession. He drives the taxi in Mumbai. He has been doing that for the last 30 yrs. He doesn’t own the taxi; it has been rented out for a daily rent. He has been driving the same vehicle for the last 30 yrs.
On one of the rare occasions that I was heading to my office I boarded his cab from Dadar bound for Nariman point, and in the ensuing 45mins I learnt more than I had in the last 3 months.
Mr. A earns about Rs 1000 daily out of which he has to give Rs 250 to the owner of the car and he spends Rs.250 for the gas in his car. So his net income is Rs.500 per day. Now while that sounds like a lot it actually means around 15k per month which is not much when you have a wife and three kids to tend to. All three kids go to school. He says and I quote “I will do anything to make sure that they get the education that I didn’t and don’t end up as taxi drivers like me”. So he slogs his ass off to make sure that they get educated. Not just that, He even wants the right environment for them to study, so he buys an A/C on a 6 month loan so that they don’t have to be uncomfortable while studying!!

Part 2: It’s Not about Mumbai
You would imagine that Mr. A has no other option but this to earn his daily bread that he would be on the streets if he stopped driving his taxi. Well, you would be wrong.
Now this is the really astonishing bit. Mr. A has a 20 acre farm in his hometown in Bihar. He has a 3 storey bungalow on that farm and the entire farm is cultivated and managed by his brothers. A genuine WTF moment. Astonished, I asked him why in the name of all that’s holy would anyone leave all that and lead a dog’s life in this god forsaken shithole? Cultural issues? A family feud maybe?
Nope, none of the above, His brothers love him, they want him there so that they can all live together. No cultural issues either. The reason is that in Bihar his children will not get proper education and they will be mocked even if they try. Also one of his children is a girl, she would be an outcast if educated.
Given a choice he would love going to Bihar, if only it weren’t as backward as it is. So Mr. RT, if you know who I’m referring to , no one comes to this idiotic place because they want to take your jobs, they come here because they want a better life. They hate this place more than you hate them, But they just want the best for themselves and their children, Wouldn’t you?
So instead of damaging public property and using the unemployed youth to do your bidding, why don’t you try and do something for the lesser fortunate states. It will solve both problems, Yours and theirs.


Part 3: Holy Crap!!
22/06/2010 HI TECH COMPUTER SERVI MUMBAI IN
INR 2,800.00 DR

INR 2,800.00
19/06/2010 GAME SHOP RETAI MUM IN
INR 1,398.00 DR

INR 1,398.00
19/06/2010 HYPERCITY RETAIL INDIA THANE IN
INR 454.80 DR

INR 454.80
19/06/2010 1% SUPERVALUE CASH BACK
INR 13.98 CR

INR 13.98
18/06/2010 NILKAMAL LTD HO MUMBAI IN
INR 2,540.00 DR

INR 2,540.00
18/06/2010 1% SUPERVALUE CASH BACK
INR 25.40 CR

INR 25.40
13/06/2010 GAME SHOP RETAI MUM IN
INR 998.00 DR

INR 998.00
12/06/2010 ROCKPORT MUMBAI IN
INR 2,297.00 DR

INR 2,297.00
12/06/2010 14CREDIT CARD REPAYMENT
INR 10,000.00 CR

INR 10,000.00
12/06/2010 1% SUPERVALUE CASH BACK
INR 22.97 CR

INR 22.97
10/06/2010 SHREEJI FONES MUMBAI IN
INR 10,000.00 DR

INR 10,000.00
10/06/2010 1% SUPERVALUE CASH BACK
INR 100.00 CR

INR 100.00
08/06/2010 STOP N SHOP MUMBAI IN
INR 950.00 DR

INR 950.00
03/06/2010 AROMA CAFE AND LOUNGE THANE IN
INR 550.00 DR

INR 550.00
24/05/2010 THE BOWLING COMPANY MUMBAI IN
INR 287.00 DR

INR 287.00
23/05/2010 EYECON OPTICALS THANE IN
INR 350.00 DR

INR 350.00
14/05/2010 SONY WORLD THANE IN
INR 14,900.00 DR

INR 14,900.00
14/05/2010 1% SUPERVALUE CASH BACK
INR 149.00 CR

INR 149.00
10/05/2010 TRFD FROM 5546232910208106
INR 9,026.00 CR

INR 9,026.00
02/05/2010 MAINLAND CHINA POWAI MUMBAI IN
INR 6,331.00 DR

INR 6,331.00
Total Outstanding 27800.00
In-case you haven’t already guessed, this is my credit card bill !
How this is connected to the above article is that I just told you the monthly income of a lesser fortunate individual than I. And yet there are those of us that don’t even have a monthly income and still end up spending money that we don’t own. If you notice all the expenses given above a totally unrequired. And this is just the tip of the iceberg; there are people I know who are worse than I am.
I understand that just because someone else doesn’t have the money, we need not live like them even if we have it. But I think it’s time people like us started valuing the money more than what we currently do. That said I think it’s time for me to bring a closure to this article.
I’m off to get me a PS3 !!
Just Kidding !!

A Note on Change

Hello people, how are you guys doing?
Recently one of my close friends read this blog and as is customary between us he reviewed it. It’s a very important thing to do because there are those of us who are just too damn busy to review some damn blog and those of us who just don’t give a rats ass about it as long as it gives us a few laughs. So it is very important for a blogger to get proper views on his/her blog so that he/she can improve it.
For your reference, here is the review He posted:
Content: 4/5
Writing: 3/5
Humor: 3/5
Overall: 3/5

Ok, so here it goes finally. :p
Well, the reason I didn't send a review initially was because it was too early to be a critic. Firstly, I'm not a world famous blogger and secondly, blogs are like movies. They can start bad, and turn good or vice-versa. Now I will provide my inputs on the blog, but I have to know; what do you see yourself doing with this blog? Is there an ulterior motive to your blogging? Personal space, commercial value etc. etc.?

Your initial posts were quite boring, don't get me wrong, your source of material is good aka the content. But where you disappoint is the writing style. See, calling everyone a retard and an idiot doesn't make do. I know its a satirical blog, even I have the same undercurrent in my blog. People are dumb, period, but its these same people who are going to follow your blog, a majority at least, so well, hint at their stupidity, but in a subtle way. They should think you're writing about the person next door, not them specifically. So well, just calling everyone a retard and an idiot on every post doesn't do. It also causes the humor quotient to go bland. Its like "oh, shiva will write about this good topic, but he ll just go calling every one retarded or an idiot and that will be that". The art of dissing is when the opposite party doesn't know what's going to hit them.
Now for the main thing, you have to, have to improve on your language and writing skill. Thank god you don't use internet slang, but even otherwise, try to brush up on it. If you are writing for kelkarites and thaneites, then you are like Salman Rushdie. But otherwise no, improvement is must. Trust me, your blog will read even better which an improved writing style. Every post of yours I find at least one or two typos. I know you typed, I don't care about it and fuck you and offense meant and stuff. But these thing's are important for a good writer. I proof read 3-4 times and even then I get typos here and there. So in general, work upon your language, word build up, punctuation (very important). You can't just type..... like this... with dots.... used as separators...every... now...and then.... we are not chatting...... its blogging.

Otherwise, in general, the blog is great, and I really liked your content use, but improve upon the humor... just saying moron, idiot, flea infested baboon's butt, hairy balls etc. doesn't cut it. And work on the writing style. Also, for a computer genius as yourself, the blog looks pretty plain - try working on that. So well, I hope this helps...

tc

Well that’s the review, and as for the suggestions I am going to try and implement them.
These are the changes in a Point format,
1. Improved Language
2. Improved Content
3. Improved Layout
4. Improved Writing Style

Note: Guys, it would be nice if you could post your own reviews once in a while, for starters it will improve your own experience on this blog and secondly it will inform me about what I should do to become a better writer.

Antithesis and Me

Wikipedia Definition:
Antithesis (Greek for "setting opposite", from ἀντί "against" + θέσις "position") is a counter-proposition and denotes a direct contrast to the original proposition. In setting the opposite, an individual brings out of a contrast in the meaning (e.g., the definition, interpretation, or semantics) by an obvious contrast in the expression.


You are probably wondering, “What is he raving about now”? Well I’m going to describe a very funny experience that I had the other day which I was totally not expecting. It was the 25th of April 2010….a Sunday and finally got conformation of my tickets to the IPL final’s, For the mentally challenged, IPL or Indian Premier League is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_Premier_League...................................................................................................... hail Wikipedia!!


Anyways so after a lot of buildup I was excited that I would get to see a live game of cricket. Cricket!!. This game Is the single largest source of entertainment for the billion or so people in India. Everybody has an opinion about it, everybody watches it, everybody wants to be a team selector, and everybody says it’s been fixed every time India loses or wins for that matter and yet everybody watches and talks about each and every match. Are we a society of hypocrites or what! So I arrived at the stadium on time and bought the jersey of the team I was supporting and headed to my seats. First up, I must say that the regulatory authorities did their job very well, Handling 60000 Idiots including myself without any problems or hiccups is quite an achievement, and I appreciate a job well done. That being said I must point out something that amused and the same time angered me. You see mobile phones are not allowed in the stadium for reasons that I do not wish to debate. So these dudes check you thoroughly at least at 4 different check posts, So you might believe that it is relatively difficult to smuggle in a phone…………………………….Ummmmmm Nope!!!!
U see the poor security people check everything but your groin regions for Mobiles for obvious reasons. So there were people resembling flea infested mongrels with phones in the stadium which smelt of their pee. I mean I understand that rules are meant to be broken, But if someone breaks a rule because He/she is absolutely up against a wall and their life depends on it..I can understand ……But what was the desperation here…..Probably these physco’s wanted to call their parent’s in the event that a bomb blew up below their seats and left a gaping hole where it wasn’t necessary.
Moving on, the closing ceremony started on schedule and A.R.Rahman, Bipasha Basu and Shahid Kapoor performed, quite good I might add, Quite frankly though the laser show was my favorite. From the place I was sitting Bipasha was looking like an ant in a really short dress!! .
Buisness went on as usual the match started and got over, I dint wait for the presentation ceremony as the team I was supporting lost. So I got out and came home.
You are probably thinking that I have forgotten to write something that justifies my title here. Well you would be wrong. The real meaning to my title starts with my thought process after coming home.
We in India revere our cricketers. We think they are gods in sports jerseys!!. Well I’m sorry to burst your bubble but at the end of the day when you see them live they are just a bunch of 22 men in brightly colored outfits playing cricket !!. Don’t get me wrong they are all very skillful at what they do and should be respected for that purpose. All that I’m saying is that it’s so damn stupid !!....they are projected as larger than life individuals in media but when you actually see them in person it makes you feel dumb and absolutely stupid……..that millions of dollars and years of planning and billions of ego’s are attached to these 3 hours. I feel bad for those poor men in the field…….Somewhere along the line our stupidity has made this sport a pot pourri of a lot of cross purposes…..which incidentally, does not include the game!!. In my mind F1 racing is a far more skillful game and needs far more concentration of all senses and fitness. Why is it then that the best we could come up with is an Idiot………
And its not just F1 either, there are other games which are far more entertaining……why Cricket??
Is is because we won the 1983 world cup?.....If we were to think about that victory in our current way of thinking, I’m pretty sure that we would realize, that was probably the first instance of match fixing in the modern era….Following are Wikipedia excerpts which may make you think about it…….
The 1983 Cricket World Cup (aka Prudential Cup, 1983) was the third edition of the tournament. It was held from 9 June to 25 June 1983 in England and was won by India. Eight countries participated in the event. The preliminary matches were played in two groups of four teams each, and each country played the others in its group twice. The top two teams in each group qualified for the semi-finals.
The matches consisted of 60 overs per team and were played in traditional white clothing and with red balls. They were all played during the day.
The 1983 World Cup was full of dramatic cricket right from the start. Teams like India and Zimbabwe who were not playing well at those times scored upset victories over the West Indies and Australia respectively. England, Pakistan, India and tournament favourites West Indies qualified for the semifinals.
In the final, India lost the toss and were asked to bat first against a West Indies team that arguably boasted the world's best bowling attack. Only Mohinder Amarnath (26 from 80 balls) andKris Srikkanth (38 from 57 balls) put up any significant resistance as Roberts, Marshall, Joel Garner and Michael Holding ripped through the Indian batsmen, ably supported by Gomes. Surprising resistance by the tail allowed India to compile 183 (all out, 54.4 overs). Only three sixes were hit in the Indian innings, one from Srikkanth, one from Sandeep Patil (27 from 29 balls), and one from Madan Lal (17 from 27 balls). However, the Indian bowling exploited the weather and pitch conditions perfectly to bowl out the best batting lineup of the era for 140 from 52 overs in return, winning by 43 runs and completing one of the most stunning upsets in cricket history, defeating the previously invincible West Indies. Amarnath and Madan Lal (3-31) each took three wickets, and one memorable moment was the sight of Kapil Dev running a great distance (about 18-20 yards) to take a catch to dismiss Richards, the West Indies top scorer with 33 from 28 balls. Amarnath was the most economical bowler, conceding just 12 runs from his seven overs while taking 3 wickets, and was once again awarded the Man of the Match award for his all-round performance. [3] There was no 'Man of the Series' awarded in 1983.

Are we learning yet??

At this point I know that this article is getting way too long…….so I will end it……with just one thought…..why the fuck are we addicted to this sport which is quite simply over-rated. Is it because that this is the only sport we are good at ? I don’t think so…it’s because of us the aam janata, We are so retarded the the only thing that we understand is a man hitting a spheroid with a plank of wood!!!
So don’t give it so much importance and give other sports a fighting chance……and maybe we will be an all round country and not just a cricketing nation. Jack of all trades, master of some!!......we have the talent…and the money….Trust me…

My Apologies

Hey guys im sorry for this unprecedented delay in my next article, Rest assured it will be up in a couple of days...

An Alternative to Corruption(On The Roads)

Hello guys. Sorry for the delay in posting. Today I shall deal with the topic of rampant corruption that plagues our society. Ok, so as the title suggests I am going to give you an alternative to corruption……which is really pointless actually……since most of you blokes don’t really care as long as you get off by paying 50 bucks to the traffic cop for “chai-pani”……after jumping a red light. But here’s the thing….i have a suggestion which will lower our problems ….while tackling this very arrogance…for our own good. So here goes …..
Let me start this one off with a quote: “Corruption exists everywhere in the world; the difference is that in the developed nations it happens at selected levels and situations, while in developing nations it happens at every god forsaken level”—The Physco who thinks he’s making a difference by posting this.
My remedy to this problem is simple…………”Selective Corruption”.
See, it is practically impossible to completely get rid of corruption in human’s, it’s just our nature…..what we can do is channelize it. There was a song in a recent film called 3 idiots…….the film itself was a pile of dung which could only be enjoyed if you surgically removed the logical side of your brain. But there is a line in the song I’m talking about in which the protagonist says that his father introduced him to corruption at an early stage by offering him a watch only if he got 90% in his exam. Quite true…..but look at it this way…….at the end of the day that 90% was going to benefit the child in an immense manner….the parent didn’t do it for an ulterior motive. The same way what I’m suggesting is that do not accept bribes or give bribes for the heck of it….look at the larger picture…understand the repercussions of those bribes.
Ok now I know what you guys must be thinking……this guy is nuts, he wants us to give/accept bribes only of it’s doing someone else any good…….i mean are you retarded or what……the reason we give/accept bribes is for our own well being and no one else. Quite Right…..but there’s a catch……let me give you a scenario….both for the point of view of the giver and taker of the bribe.
Scenario: A dude in a spanking new car is way beyond the stop line on a signal and technically he has broken it.
Point of view of the giver a.k.a “Retard”: Alright so the retard has a severe case of loose motions and he has absolutely got to get home or wherever it is that he is going 35 seconds faster than he normally would. Here are the repercussion’s,
a. He’s has created a traffic jam because the guys who’s signal is green are travelling across his lane
b. Assuming that the cops are there, he’s created a mess for them to clear up.
c. If the cops are not there(which is more likely), he’s created a bigger mess because the guys who were waiting for the signal to turn green have also now got a case of loose motion and find it to much to control their bowels for 35 seconds, so they pile on behind the first daredevil.
d. Think about the guys whose signal was green in the first place…..they are fucked and are now suddenly very shitty (You see its contagious).
e. Their ego is hurt too, since they all feel they are the prime minister (with weak bowels) and have right to first passage.
f. At the end of it all we have a very very very very very smelly intersection!!
All this because a one son of a bitch who couldn’t control his poo for 35 sec. Now this dude is fearless you see because he knows that even if he got caught, he’d be off in 50 bucks, surely that’s not as important or difficult as controlling his poo now, is it!!

Point of view of the receiver a.k.a the “Uniformed Terrorist”: alright so this guy is probably hidden under a tree at the same intersection and is waiting for someone to do something wrong so he can turn up like a magician and make some money!!.....so the moment he sees the car dude creating havoc ….he is ecstatic……!!!...but he doesn’t do anything……you see he’s inspired by James bond……he plans to make a last minute entry and be a hero. So like a crocodile waiting patiently for its moment of glory. He waits till the traffic jam builds up…….then swoops in and clears it up and makes the car pull up at the side of the road with a smug look on his face. The car guy pulls out a 50 bucker and he is on his way again.

What this absolute idiocrity ensures is that the bastard behind the wheel of the car continues doing this for the rest of his miserable life and gets away with it. Nothing major you may think…..but how many other people has he inconvenienced in the bargain?? ……and this sheer arrogance on the part of the driver and sheer lack of any self-respect on the part of the law upholders is what creates traffic jams. Observe…….the next time you are in a jam……everybody drives like there is a nuke in their asses and it will explode if they go second….!!!.

Ok. Now how will selective corruption help?

Here is a kind of a flow chart…..try and make sense out of it if you can!!
!
!
!
No one in developed countries dares to offer a bribe to a traffic cop.
!
!
!
Well that’s because they are paid well by their administration so they don’t accept them
!
!
!
Suggestion (for those of you that might get into traffic administration): Why don’t you give half of the amount collected in fines to the cop who collected them?....the minimum fine is Rs.100, so the cop gains Rs. 50 in either case so that’s motivation enough……ain’t it?
If you are saying that that won’t contribute to the govt. think again….the tax collected will still be far far more than what it is..
!
!
!
How will it help us….we won’t be able to jump signals and not where seat belts.
!
!
!
You won’t need to jump signals because traffic will be more orderly and a higher average speed can be maintained ….saving time in effect. As to the second one……I have only one thing to say to you…………you Utterly degenerate, flea infested baboon….the seat belt is for your safety not the pot bellied cop’s safety.


So there you have it…..a problem and a solution!!!......See this is good corruption!!.....the govt. is offering a bribe to the cops to do their work better....when its done in such a way the terminology changes to something called incentives!!!...........my god!!........I’m good at this !!
If you have any suggestions or objections please write into: ithinkyouareamoron@impracticaladvice.co.in ……alternatively you can post a comment and I shall address it individually.....Or if there are enough…… post another article answering those……..
See Ya!!

The Pigeon holes of Mumbai

The Above picture is that of a wooden unit called a pigeon hole. It is used for keeping pigeon's in it......now observe it carefully.........once you are done look at the image below.



This image is a photo of hiranandani powai...........similar ain't it?


People keep complaining about the pigeon infestation that we have in mumbai...there are pigeon's everywhere. Well for once i will not blame those poor bastards. Poor things are confused !!........imagine for a moment that you walked into a random house which looked exactly the same as your own.....wouldn't you have been confused?

The point is each and every house in mumbai...which is built in the last 10 years in mumbai.....looks like one of these......there is nothing called a balcony or open space at all.....only A/C vents........why?.........
there is a building in front of my house which is identical to mine. when people stand in the windows of those buildings......they look like inmates of kalapani......actually not normal inmates......solitary confinement. Ok i do understand that there is a shortage of space in mumbai....but its on the ground and not in the air.....now i know readers will come out with a lot of problems with my theories..........patience!!!
Whatever happened to a leisurely coffee on a comfort chair in your balcony......sadly those days are gone.
Alright so let's address your objections shall we....
1. Your theory about space in the air is bullshit! There are FSI norms to follow.
A. Well remember one thing? i'm not particularly happy with the rules!! they have to be changed. Also there is a solution. why cant we provide common balconies on each floor with separate cutouts? Some builders have tried it and its beautiful.
2. it's already too expensive to buy a flat in mumbai, who wants to pay for open spaces?
A. Here is where the common balcony theory comes in. The builders can provide this at a very nominal cost....maybe cost of construction?.....
3. i don't need open-spaces .....i'm happy the way it is....
A. well then.......you r a pigeon!

Why i bring this topic up is because its appalling. People will keep arguing to eternity about how it's not practical or they don't need it.......but the truth is that mumbai has lost that tradition alltogether..... also that mumbai people are so full of themselves that they feel this is the way to live. Some people that will read this article will be born and bought up in mumbai.....so they wouldn't know the difference.........they are the ignorant sorts.....
Pune is touted to be the next major metro.......and very soon pune and mumbai will be twin cities.....so what's the difference?................the difference is that even today when a new building is built in pune there have to be balconies in every flat....it's an absolute necessity.....otherwise the flats will not sell !!!!

All that i'm suggesting is that in this environment where everything that we do is bound in rules thicker the the thickest chains......isn't it necessary that we have some open space in the comfort of our house which can give us some sense of freedom........and see the world and all that we are fighting for without the grill's?


I'll leave you with this commercial for Tata safari.......ignore the fact that they are trying to sell you a bad car.....Imagine im selling you a balcony at the end of the ad......say sarkar's balcony!!

Next Update

Hi Guys,
This post is just to inform you that my next post will take some time to come......not because i'm short of material, but because i'm not used to typing so much online........and i've done a fair bit of it of late. So for those of you who are interested in waiting.....well good for you......other's, well you already know what i'm gonna say ....don't you..:)

Paradigm shift

Ya ya I know….the title of this article makes me sound like some pompous, self-obsessed management graduate who thinks he’s god’s gift to mankind. Well frankly the above description suits me perfectly!!!!......the only difference is that I’m not a management grad!!
Ok so since I’m not a management grad……why the title???.............well that’s because some of my recent observations have led to a paradigm shift in my thinking towards purchase of new vehicles in India. While going through this article I’m sure a lot of you will have a sense of deja-vu…..if yes …..Good…..if not I implore you to give it a thought. Alright then let’s proceed.
The other day I had gone with my mother to chembur to get the delivery of my mom’s new car from wasan motors. Well since it was a brand new car we decided to take it to siddhivanayak temple(a temple dedicated to the hindu deity, lord ganesha), which is located in prabhadevi. If I remember right it was a working day. Why I mention that is because the roads were awfully crowded. There were cars and traffic of all sorts everywhere for as far as the human eye could see. Since it was a brand new car it was but natural that I had to occupy the passenger seat and not the driver’s. As I already mentioned there was loads of traffic so I had a lot of time to observe and learn which my usual pastime in such situations is. I was checking out all the gizmos and goodies in mom’s new car when I happened to look at my mom’s face…….well she looked like the same person I called mom for 21 years of my life except for one difference….she had a god awful expression on her face……the expression was a mixture of anger, fright, frustration and pride. And the one feeling that was the most prominent was that of fright. Let me elaborate…………..fright, not the one which you see on the faces of protagonists of silly horror shows………….this one was pure and unadulterated…….she was scared that some asshole might scratch her brand new car. Tell me what’s the use of paying your hard earned money to buy a brand new car and not being able to fully enjoy it for one moment without having your heart in your mouth?
Purely from the POV of observation and deduction I started noticing the other cars on Indian roads. Over a period of time I made a startling discovery. Here are my findings.
8 out of ten cars on the road are either scratched or dented
1 out of every ten cars is probably very new, so it is driven very carefully (read at the speed of 40kmph in the middle of the middle lane…..which is plain idiotic if I may add!!)
1 out of every ten car is “premium”, Is maintained by the employer of the owner, and that’s the only reason its scratch less.
If any car in better than a reva were to be driven everyday only in Mumbai for 1 year, the car would almost never be put into top gear!!!

While you may argue with the precision of the above findings, they would still remain largely true.
So now the Mumbai lovers in you will shoot back and say…….we know all this so?......it’s very easy to point out mistakes but do you have a remedy?
Well thankfully I’m not Rajat Kapoor of India TV fame…..and I do have a suggestion. Let’s list the reasons for this congestion on the roads:
a. Too many people!!
b. Too many brainless kamikazes (read drivers)
c. Not enough infrastructure
d. These kamikazes have too much money….so they have 5 cars in a family of 3!
Alright so we can’t do anything in the first three issues…….but what do we have here!!! …..i do have a solution for the fourth one, and therein lies the paradigm shift……hurray!!!
Ok so let’s say you have a lot of money lying around …..so what do you do…….well of course you go and buy a new car….awesome!!.......my suggestion is ……….don’t!!.....see in any case your stupid arse is going to be bored of sitting in that car within a year …….so why can’t you buy a used car goddamit!!........use it for a year and dispose of it…….

Problems and solutions to this theory.

Problem 1: If no one buy’s new cars the industry will crumble
Solution: You dork!!.....if you plan to use the car for a good period ….say 5 years then buy a new one….or else don’t!
Also don’t buy cars older than 15 years, eventually the will get disposed of buy the govt.(hopefully)

Problem 2: I won’t get the car I want in the second hand market
Solution: Wake up and smell the coffee!! Within 15 days of coming to showrooms there are second hand cars of the same model available in the market. Also if you have to buy a older model so what . I for one wouldn’t mind a 2007 3 series to a 2009 3 series.

Problem 3: Second Hand cars have maintenance issues
Solution: Which planet are you living on….idiotica??........these problems come up in accident vehicles or used to come up in cars made during your Pappas time ….not anymore.
Problems 4: I like the smell of a new car
Solution: Smell my fart…….it smells better!!

So what will happen if you guys actually follow what im saying?
For starters it’ll get me a noble prize. Secondly I’ll get shot in my head by some hitman contracted by the car companies. More importantly it will reduce congestion on our roads…..eventually. infrastructure is improving but it needs time……the problem is that the amount of cars are going northwards so fast that infrastructure ain’t able to keep up. Come on guys give the govt. a chance!!......Look at it this way…..wouldn’t you prefer driving a corolla without traffic on the road to a accord in the 2nd gear…..it’ll save planet earth, save fuel…..reduce pollution………….god the advantages are endless……….
Man now I feel like a greenpeace dork…….

I have decided i will never buy a new car unless i plan to use it for atleast ten years. It will save me money and the frustration of having a brand new car scratched.
That will also help in reducing my hospital bills(hypertension u see....). See........so much money saved!!
THINK ABOUT IT.

The Life Line Of Mumbai

If you haven't already guessed.....i'm referring to the Local Trains of Mumbai....and also the people travelling in it. Although i must admit that the following article is a whiney one...it's whiney in a positive way as in it talks about how this so called life line of Mumbai and it's people have had a positive effect on me.
You see i am a very weird person.......i hate travelling in public transport.....especially long distance public transport. All my life i have been fortunate or unfortunate enough to have been living close to my daily destination....so i never really had to travel internally too much. So one day when i realized, i had to travel from a village to the other end of town in a local especially the famous crowded locals of Mumbai...i literary shat bricks.......i hated it. But eventually i realized that that was the only logical thing to do.....I was lucky to have been placed in a good company.....and besides the only other way to travel that far was by road which takes approximately 3 hours one way if you are lucky.........3 Hours!!!.....thats enough time for me to travel to pune and finish taking a comfortable dump!!!

So after a lot of logicising, I realized, I don't have a damn option.
I started going to office in the 8:38 slow local leaving from thane since i got a place to sit.......... I was shocked......!!!.....I'm sure you guys must have seen an anthill....and the bloody idiots that we are when we are young.....i'm sure we must have tried breaking it and seeing what happens!!. Then what do you see........millions of ants crawling over each other......well a word of advice for future generations of pesky and nosey kids.......you don't need to run the risk of been bitten......just look at the Mumbai locals during Rush hours.....its precisely the same abiet you have Life size ants!!

The first day that i went to office and back i felt i had been raped!!!
In a Mumbai local at these times.....you are not supposed to have anything called self respect......there will be people's arses or worse their manhood sticking you right in your face .....and you can't do cock about it.

As one of my friends put it, "jab local mein jaate ho, tab L**d Fakir banke Jao"
fucking pearls of wisdom!!!


Ok now on to the good part, as usual i whined for the first couple of days as is my habit....but then i realized that there are people doing this for years together without complaining at all, besides i didn't have anything to complain about.....i always have a place to sit since mine is the starting station....i mean imagine the poor bastard who lives in bhandup and gets of at parel !!!.
When i look at these teeming millions of people going about their daily schedule with clockwork precision without complaining about the crowds or the trains or the smells.....i feel alive....it gives me a strange sense of vibrance and adrenaline.....which is funny cause i never expected it.....
This situation is pretty sad actually.........Let me explain......People talk about the spirit of Mumbai time and again citing the example of how the people started travelling by local just one day after the bomb blasts......well that's not the spirit of Mumbai......It's the desperation of life in Mumbai.....they don't have an option....
In a city where money is everything and you can't miss a single day of office/school/college/business in the fear of losing out in the rat race......fear for life has absolutely no place.
That said the life line of Mumbai is pretty amazing for all it's faults it represents one thing to me.......It truly represents the diversity and the undying will of people to win the rat race.....no matter what......

Clean Up !!

Alright, So what the fuck is Clean-up !!
This is what their home page says:
"Welcome Mumbaikars! At first, we congratulate you for taking effort to know about this initiative that is envisioned to reduce significantly the incidence of public nuisances like spitting and littering in Mumbai. As an alert citizen, reading this website would be the first step for participating in the campaign. This website has been created with the purpose of equipping responsible and committed citizens with helpful information.
We are all aware of the serious problem Mumbai faces in terms of public hygiene. Every public space is splattered with paan stains and litter on the streets besides the odd pile of debris and garbage. The financial and commercial capital of the country, with a population of nearly 15 million people, Mumbai produces nearly 6500 Tons of garbage per day. It also produces nearly 2500 Tons of construction and demolition (C&D) waste per day. Dealing with effective management of such a huge amount of waste is a matter of concern for the Corporation. Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai (MCGM) allots 10% of its annual budget for Solid Waste Management.

The “Greater Mumbai Cleanliness and Sanitation Byelaws 2006” form the basis for the current campaign. The Byelaws have a provision to fine citizens who engage in spitting, littering and other nuisances in public spaces. Since there is a shortage of Nuisance Detectors MCGM has taken up an innovative step to authorize enlisted security agencies to fine the citizens. These security agencies will deploy Marshals in the various wards who will fine the offenders. The MCGM will not pay anything to the security agencies for their services and in turn has agreed to share 50 percent of the fine collected. The Clean-Up Marshals will patrol all the 24 wards of the city and enforce the cleanliness bye laws.At the same time, by February 2008, 20,000 more dustbins of a better design will be installed in the city. Thus, the campaign encompasses:

provision of additional facilities for cleanliness
education and awareness generation
enforcement of bye-laws by fining offenders with the help of Clean-up Marshals
Thus, in the process it envisions to achieve the larger goal of making Mumbai clean, beautiful and a world class city. At the same time, the campaign also expects significant amount of active participation and cooperation from the citizens and civil society groups by participating in awareness campaigns and the third party audit of the campaign at ward level.

LET’S TREAT MUMBAI CITY AS OUR HOME !!!"

"BULL FUCKING SHIT" -- Thats what i say



Like i have already mentioned in my first post i travel to nariman point everyday. So naturally i take a train to CST and then a cab(which is another thing i want to write about...). So on one such day i walked out of C.S.T and i was keeping the Go Mumbai card which i carry in my wallet. During this time something fell out of my wallet which i didn't realize....it happened to be a scrap of paper......Promptly a Motherfucking Clean-up Marshal came up to me and demanded a fine of Rs.200 for littering the streets. Simultaneously another guy who threw his cigarette butt was caught. i happend to ask this Marshal that suppose i had thrown that scrap of paper on purpose which i did not.....to show me a dustbin where i can throw it. As is to be expected there was a prompt retort....."vo udhar saamne hai na"(1 km away...and overflowing).....then i asked him where is the no smoking sign.................there were none......no boards at all!!!.....then he proudly showed me a fucking board of 6"in x 6"in....saying ....do not litter or spit......surprisingly though....it was red in color(if you know what i mean). Oh and the placement was just amazing. it was on the outer side of the walkway where the traffic can see it but pedestrains can't because they are not allowed to walk on that side!!! Gr8!!!....So the only living thing that can see it is probably a druken monkey who is crossing the road and breaking the law by not using the subway.......so you break one law to know about another.


What im trying to say is that if you bloody motherfukkers wan't us to keep our city clean which we also want to....then atleast provide dustbins and then fine people who are littering around it....The government just want to impose rules and fines.....and the others want to do their work.....who suffers........me and you.....Brilliant......
I had been to germany recently....they have massive fines for littering.....but you know the difference??.........they use those fines for more dustbins......not for some bastard of a neta wanting to buy a cheap ass pajero......clean-up my ass!!!
Also how they can easily understand whether somebody has littered is simply because the streets are so bloody clean that a person can sit and eat his/her food there. So the govt does its job and then expects the people to do so.

So here's my step by step recommendation for you motherfukkers(Whoever calls the shots)....
1. Get A Life
2. Provide fucking Dustbins at appropriate locations....i don't expect dustbins on the expressway after every 200 m.....but atleast in places that have so much pedestrian density.
3. Get a Life
4. Stop spitting out of you savvy cars(provided by the GOVT......You see they have Maharastra Shasan written all over them)
5. Get A life
6. Impose fines for Ignorant Motherfukkers who want to spit/litter on the road even when there is a dustbin withing walking distance
7. Get A Life
8. Go Fuck Yourselves

Id like to conclude this post by telling you guys about an instance......there was a time not long ago....i was travelling to pune by car....i picked up a burger just before hitting the expressway.....i disposed the trash in a trash can when i reached pune.........who got fined 200?..............me!!!.....not the bastards who rate of spitting is more than an AK-56...............oh and by the way.....that paper that flew out of my wallet......is still lying on the ground outside CST.........Man There are doing a good job cleaning Mumbai.....Bravo..Bravo you motherf.......ah forget it....

A word On The Title

For those of you who are daft enough not to understand what i mean, read the description..............no?...............well then read my previous post...............no?...........ok you are obviously a special case....lemme explain......"no offence meant" is said when a person wants to say something which might be offensive to the opposite person, but that's not the motive of the speaker....so he starts by saying...."No offence meant, but......"......but here i mean all the goddamn offence in the world so if anyone is offended.....well......i don't give a rats....uh sorry.....skunk's ass!!.....Is it clear now?....no?.....well then FUCK OFF!!

You Are Not Welcome

You Are Not Welcome.
Alright then, straight up this ain't a blog where I talk about what’s happening in the world. U see, i live a a village called Thane, Every day i travel from here to Nariman Point by train, Naturally this gives me a lot of time to think and observe because there is nothing else you can do when people are standing close enough so that you may smell their farts....if you want to.
Since I have no wish to do the aforementioned I think and observe what’s happening around me. Sometimes I’m a mere spectator and sometimes I’m at the center of it. Do not expect me to give solutions. I may be called a whiner but I still want to write my thoughts. So then let me start of………oh yeah I almost forgot …..if you don’t like what I’m writing, you are welcome to Fuck Off!!
Oh and one more thing......i Do not take kindly to criticism.....so i dont want people to tell me.....oh!!, there is a typo on page 3, para 4, line 10, etc. because seriously......i don't care as long as you understand whats written.